I’ve always secretly wished I would be asked to speak in church on Mother’s Day. At first, I wished this because my own mother and grandmothers and great-grandmothers were all such incredible, faithful, and strong women. I knew I could give the best tribute to mother’s ever. When I became a mother myself, I began to wish this because I became tired of talks that talked about mothers as if they were something other than human. I became tired of patronizing talks and condescending talks that generalized too much, made lists of what “good mothers” do and made it sound like all mothers sacrifice everything all the time. What is that cute phrase? “Good mothers have sticky floors, messy kitchens, and happy children.” Let me tell you, I have sticky floors, a messy kitchen, and miserable children, so where does that leave me?
On Thursday last week, I talked with a very good friend of mine who shared with me her dread of Mother’s Day, both because her own mother had been abusive and because of the tragic death of her own baby. These two life trials have made Mother’s Day a particularly horrible day for her. In a way I had never understood before, I understood why a Mother’s Day Tribute talk could be a torture to someone who carries hidden trauma and grief.
My husband happens to be the one who gets to ask people to speak in our congregation this month, and on Saturday morning, he told me, somewhat discouraged, that he had to find a substitute speaker, because the one he had asked was sick. Trying not to act too eager, I said to him, “Please Pick Me.” Because I did not have very much time then, this talk was born of the things that I have been recently studying and praying about for my own struggles–what has been uppermost in my mind in the past little while. Some of the insight came to me as I wrote it, which is why I love to be asked to speak. I love the extra bonus learning that God sends me when I am praying more earnestly for His Spirit to help me write something that will bless those I am speaking to. I’m sharing my talk here (I removed a couple of very personal experiences, because this blog isn’t the place to share them)
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I am rejoicing to be with you today, and as my Mother’s Day gift to you, I am going to give the Mother’s Day talk I have always wanted to hear.
Sisters, You are one of Heavenly Father’s favorites.
1Nephi 17:35 She that is righteous is favored of God. God knows you. He knows what you are capable of. He knows what you need.
Isaiah 49:15 They may forget, yet I will not forget thee. I know that what is important to you is important to God. He knows the longings of your heart. In motherhood, we find joy. In motherhood, we find agony. Through the joy and agony of motherhood, we come closer to our Savior, learn to trust and rely on him, and thus find redemption.
As women, we have been given the divine calling to nurture and teach God’s children. We fulfil that calling as mothers, as daughters, sisters, aunts, and mentors. The ways we fulfil that calling will be as individual as each of us is. Three years ago, I was at a home school talk, and the speaker was talking about the importance of teaching Geography to our children. She said the concept of boundaries is something that we all need to learn– that especially as Christians, we struggle with boundaries. I thought, “Boy, I need to know what she knows.” This year for Geography, Renata and I have been reading a book called Prisoners of Geography. Through it we have learned how the physical geography of nations and the political geography of nations around the world affects their histories, policies, and futures. For example, you may have wondered like I have why China is so mean and greedy to keep control over Tibet– why they can’t just leave those mountain monks in peace. Well, it turns out that all 3 of China’s big rivers have their sources in Tibet, and they just can’t bear to let someone else have control of their water source. Why is there so much fighting in Nigeria and the Democratic Republic of Congo? Because a colonial power far away with no knowledge of the people or the Geography drew lines on the map and made countries. Any mom could have told them– the seating arrangement in the van can make or break a family trip. Some kids just shouldn’t be sitting together in the same bench.
Just as countries are both limited and blessed by their mountains and rivers and physical resources, we mothers are limited and blessed by our physical geography. We have to do our best with the resources we have, and we can’t pretend that mountain range or that limited rainfall isn’t there. We need to know what our resources are. Knowing what our resources are helps us to understand what God wants us to do. He has blessed us with the unique talents we need to be the unique mothers our unique children need us to be. It is not a surprise to me that 5 of my brothers and sisters (including myself) chose to become teachers. Our mother is a master teacher who not only has dedicated her life to helping children learn, but who has never stopped learning for herself. My parents gave me books and a chalkboard, and I played at teaching school from the time I was six years old. I used to worry, what if one of my children is really a prodigy violinist, and will never develop that talent because I didn’t put a violin in their hands when they were three years old? I finally decided that if it were important, God would have sent that child to a mother who would put a violin in their hands at 3 years old. Sometimes, the gift we are blessed with is the capacity to learn what we need to learn to help our children. When I did have a child who at age eleven or twelve expressed a strong desire to learn the violin, Heavenly Father blessed me to be able to obtain an affordable violin, find a teacher in our town where there had been none, and figure out a way to pay for the lessons.
We mothers also have political boundaries, sort of made-up boundaries, and we need to pray for the wisdom to recognize when those boundaries are useful and should be respected, and when they need to be ignored.
Motherhood is a holy calling and therefore it comes blessings of power from God. Isaiah 41:13 “For I, the LORD thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee: Fear not; I will help thee.” Heavenly Father has blessed us with the power we need to fulfill our calling. Bob Goff, in his book, Everybody, Always, said, “We are not held back by what we don’t have. We are held back by what we don’t use.”
President Neslon pleaded with us to learn more about this power from heaven in 2019. He said,
“You have received and made sacred covenants with God in His temple. From those covenants flows an endowment of His priesthood power upon you. As a righteous, endowed Latter-day Saint woman, you speak and teach with power and authority from God. Whether by exhortation or conversation, we need your voice teaching the doctrine of Christ. We need your input in family, ward, and stake councils. Your participation is essential and never ornamental!”
It is up to us to access and wisely portion the talents, resources, and power that God has given us so that we can be the women God needs us to be. Julie B. Beck taught (2007): Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years.
We can be in danger of mistaking our calling. We have not been called to make our children perfect. We can become so focused on correcting errors that we forget to love our children. William Shakespeare said, “They do not love who do not show their love.” Remember the Old Testament account of manna? That bread God sent from heaven every day to the Israelites as they journeyed in the wilderness. One of the unique characteristics of manna is that no matter how much the people received, even when it was more than they could possibly eat, it would only last for one day. Your affection is like manna. It is fresh, warm, and satisfying. But it only lasts for a short time. The people you love need to hear your affection every day because their need starts over every day. Husbands, your wife needs to hear these kinds of messages every day: I love you. I’ll take care of you. You are more important to me than any other person on earth. I’m concerned about the problems you face. I think you’ve done a good job today.
Wives: your husbands needs your respect and admiration every day. He does not need you to catalog, index and report all his mistakes for him. He does need you to thank him for being capable, loyal, hardworking, and dependable. He needs you to praise his strength, intelligence, choices, and leadership. (from Mary Hunt, Debt-Proof Your Marriage)
Our children need our affection, too. Henry B. Eyring (2012) said, “Above all else, children need to know and feel they are loved, wanted, and appreciated. They need to be assured of that often. Obviously, this is a role parents should fill, most often, the mother can do it best.” A wise teacher (Dr. Kathy Koch) explained to me that our children’s weaknesses worry us. Our children’s strengths get on our nerves. If your child is making you crazy, recognize the strength they are exhibiting, and then show them how to channel that strong energy in a positive way.
So how can we know if we are doing a good job- especially when it is so easy to find evidence that we are just really _Garbagio_ at this whole mothering thing? There will always be other women who are skinnier than I. Who keep their houses cleaner than I. Who succeed at cooking a dinner their husband likes more often than I. Who throw better birthday parties for their children than I. Boy, It can be easy to go down that vicious spiral, can’t it? Here is the lifeline—the escape from that death-trap: No one can ever find a woman who loves Jesus more than I. Remind yourself of that.
Paul teaches in 2 Corinthians 10:12-13 For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. But we will not boast of things without our measure, but according to the measure of the rule which God hath distributed to us, a measure to reach even unto you.
This month, I will have been a mother for 21 years. I want to have a heart-to-heart talk with you that are young mothers, and warn you away from the mistakes I made over the past years. And those of you who are closer to or beyond my years of experience, I would say, “We are still here, so we still have time to mend our ways.” Don’t think that because service is an important part of the gospel that every time someone asks for something, you have to drop everything and rush to the rescue. So many times, I came home from cleaning someone else’s house or from taking dinner to someone else’s children to my own messy, dirty house and my own hungry children. I would be tired. I would have used up all the hours of the day and still have before me a mountain of work. The Lord said to Joseph Smith, “I am able to do my own work.” And so He is. You are not asked to carry the entire work of the kingdom on your back. Your job is to do the work He has given you, and that service is primarily in your own home. Now, if someone needs serving, I look at my needs, and my family’s needs and ask myself. Can I fulfill these needs and still do this other thing? Sometimes I have to say “No.” Sometimes I can say “yes.” It might mean that the missionaries have dinner with us, but it’s not fancy dinner, just regular old whatever we would have eaten anyway.
Cast your burden on the Lord. I remember one evening I was tired all the way to my bones, too tired to even figure out what I needed to pray for, and I just knelt down and said, “Heavenly Father, I’m so weary.” The gentlest, kindest voice said to me, “Be not weary” and that voice lifted away some of the exhaustion. More often when I pray, I need to just tell Heavenly Father what is going on, and let Him tell me what I need, instead of me giving Him a big old list of what I think need.
Find balance between your responsibilities and doing things that refresh and rejuvenate you. I’ve looked more closely at the Savior’s life, and I’ve realized a few things.
*Jesus sat down to eat meals. (at least most of the time)
*A couple of times, Jesus cleaned out his house with righteous anger.
*Jesus let the disciples deal with some anxiety while he slept during a storm. And when they became convinced that they would perish and woke him up, he gently chided them. How many of you have had children who were convinced that they would die if you slept a minute more?
*Jesus relied on fasting and prayer to build his strength for the work he was called to do. He did not try to do everything all by himself. When his trial became more intense, he prayed more earnestly.
*One story in the New Testament that I think I misunderstood for a very long time is in Matthew chapter 19, “Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”
I thought this was an example of sacrifice on Jesus’s part. He was tired after a long day, but he still made time for the children. But I was talking with some friends this week about how different activities are energizing and rejuvenating for different people, and how important it is that we recognize what brings us energy or strength. So I had that ruminating in my head, and I realized something.
Maybe after a long day of healing multitudes, being challenged by Pharisees, accused by scribes, rejected by people who only wanted more magic bread, and teaching his disciples—Maybe after all that, Jesus really just wanted to be surrounded by some innocence, some love unfeigned. Jesus said, “Please, let the little children come. This is the kingdom of heaven. Let me be surrounded by heaven for a little bit.”
Your children want you. All those things that you criticize yourself for, or that the world condemns, or that well-intentioned but mistaken others point out—your children don’t care about all that. They just want you, and they need you.
In 2018, President Russell M. Nelson told our youth: “You are the hope of Israel, “children of the promised day” He invited them to join a youth battalion to help gather Israel. Our children need us to help them be ready to do the Lord’s great work. Elder M. Russell Ballard said, “We have raised the bar. … But that doesn’t raise it just for the youth. That raises it for the parents, who have the primary responsibility for teaching their children principles. That raises it for the leaders. That raises it for the teachers. We’ve all got to take a step up.”
Last week during BYU’s Women’s Conference, Brother Steven Lund spoke about the vital role that mothers have in the new Children and Youth Program. It will not work without us. He also promised us that when we saw the fruits of it in our children’s lives, we would be happy to have spent our efforts there. He said, “There would have been no Sons of Helaman without mothers who knew……and without fathers who would choose death, rather than break their covenants.”
Sisters, we need to be Mothers who know. We have covenanted to sacrifice our time, talents, and everything God has blessed us with to build the Kingdom of God. But let us be wise. Let us not sacrifice our lives to the false idol of making every happy. Let us not sacrifice just because mothers are supposed to be “self-sacrificing.” It is not asked of us to go without what we need so that others can have ease and comfort- that’s not how the Law of Consecration works. The Law is that every man (and woman) should have as much as is sufficient. Let us recognize and make use of the gifts we have been given. Yes, let us lay our lives, but only at the feet of God.
I have often wondered how those mothers of the Stripling Warriors knew that their sons would be protected if they did not doubt. I mean, they could have faith that their sons would be protected, and they could have hope that their sons would be protected, but how could they KNOW? Missionaries do sometimes get injured or even die on their missions. Many noble and true young men and women have died fighting in the cause of liberty.
I have come to the conclusion that those mothers must have obtained a specific promise from the Lord for their children for their day. We also have been given promises for ourselves and for our children. Let us treasure them in our hearts as we go forward in the Lord’s work:
President Russell M Nelson promised our youth:
Now I plead with each of you to do as the teenaged Joseph did. Take your questions directly to your Heavenly Father in prayer. Ask Him, in the name of Jesus Christ, to guide you. You can learn for yourself—right now at your age—how to receive personal revelation. And nothing will make a bigger difference in your life than that!
I promise you—not the person sitting next to you, but you—that, wherever you are in the world, wherever you are on the covenant path—even if, at this moment, you are not centered on the path—I promise you that if you will sincerely and persistently do the spiritual work needed to develop the crucial, spiritual skill of learning how to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, you will have all the direction you will ever need in your life. You will be given answers to your questions in the Lord’s own way and in His own time. And don’t forget the counsel of your parents and Church leaders. They are also seeking revelation in your behalf.
Elder David A Bednar promised our youth: I encourage you to study, to search out your ancestors, and to prepare yourselves to perform proxy baptisms in the house of the Lord for your kindred dead And I urge you to help other people identify their family histories.
As you respond in faith to this invitation, your hearts shall turn to the fathers. The promises made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob will be implanted in your hearts. Your patriarchal blessing, with its declaration of lineage, will link you to these fathers and be more meaningful to you. Your love and gratitude for your ancestors will increase. Your testimony of and conversion to the Savior will become deep and abiding. And I promise you will be protected against the intensifying influence of the adversary. As you participate in and love this holy work, you will be safeguarded in your youth and throughout your lives.
President Nelson Promised us in 2017: “My dear brothers and sisters, I promise that as you prayerfully study the Book of Mormon every day, you will make better decisions—every day. I promise that as you ponder what you study, the windows of heaven will open, and you will receive answers to your own questions and direction for your own life. I promise that as you daily immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you can be immunized against the evils of the day.
in 2019: My dear sisters, your power will increase as you serve others. Your prayers, fasting, time in the scriptures, service in the temple, and family history work will open the heavens to you. I entreat you to study prayerfully all the truths you can find about priesthood power. As your understanding increases and as you exercise faith in the Lord and His priesthood power, your ability to draw upon this spiritual treasure that the Lord has made available will increase. As you do so, you will find yourselves better able to help create eternal families that are united, sealed in the temple of the Lord, and full of love for our Heavenly Father and for Jesus Christ.
in 2020: I promise that as you increase your capacity to receive revelation, the Lord will bless you with increased direction for your life and with boundless gifts of the Spirit. I promise that as we create places of security, prepare our minds to be faithful to God, and never stop preparing, God will bless us. He will “deliver us; yea, insomuch that he [will] speak peace to our souls, and [will] grant unto us great faith, and … cause us that we [can] hope for our deliverance in him.”
and:
My dear brothers and sisters, as you choose to let God prevail in your lives, you will experience for yourselves that our God is “a God of miracles.”
Marvelous Pigs in Satin 